Why aren't Sheep Green?

On an idyllic green meadow, with green trees and green grass, in a green world with non-processed food, fair trade and hybrids, there they are: the rebels of the 21^st century, sheep. They just stand there on the fields, eating all the beautiful green plants while producing masses of methane by disrespecting their biological food and spitting it all up. It is a worldwide conspiracy that falls directly into the laps of all the people that still drive a normal car, don’t recycle and eat processed food. I believe it is clear, that sheep are deliberately keeping their white coloring to militate against the green movement.

Sheep are ruminant animals, and ruminants produce methane while eating. They are known to be bigger contributors to global warming than cars and large factories. But while humans switch to hybrids and start gathering clean energy, sheep just stick to the way their metabolism has always been. If we adjust to the problems of the 21^st century, why can’t they?

This rebellious, almost pubertal atmosphere towards the green movement can be explained by the noises our hybrid cars make when we drive to a green meadow to campaign for a green future. Several flocks of sheep got annoyed, contacted each other immediately all over the world (the opportunities due to globalization are immense) and sent their flock chiefs to an international summit in 2010 on a beautiful meadow in South America. The resolution of the ‘Baa to the Mean Green-Summit’ was that they would not give in to the pressure, which was put on them.

The truth is, although it is a taboo in sheep communities, that there have been some sheep who have felt the urge to ‘go green’, and changed their color accordingly. But green activists immediately sheared these sheep, because they had to grab the opportunity of wearing shirts made from naturally green wool, and not like all the others, chemically colored.  The sheep, which actually expected being integrated in the green community, were shocked and went back to growing white wool.

A year ago, a journalist from a cow newspaper (cows haven’t ‘gone green’ but they do have a brownish touch, which is a beautiful earthly color) interviewed the head of the summit and asked him why the sheep are continuously rebelling against ecological adjustments. His answer was, “Baa Ba Ba Baaaaa”, which means, “We sheep have come to the common consent that being green is more an artificial lifestyle than a belief. Because of our metabolism and our way of living, we would be as hypocritical as humans are.”

This extreme critique of humanity made sheep even more unpopular. Now they are not only white, grass-eating global warmers, they are also the new enemy of the green movement. Of course these accusations are completely false, being green is a lot more than a lifestyle, it’s a way of thinking and setting up new moral values. In the past there, we had to lean on the Bible, the Quran, the Torah and works of major moral philosophers. But today these writings aren’t so major anymore because we have a new philosophy, being and thinking green. If the most important virtues used to be honesty, forgiveness, loyalty and charity, today they are recycling your sticky-notes, driving a hybrid car and buying non-processed fair-trade food. The 21^st century is a time of new values, and if it weren’t for sheep, everyone would be a part of it.

Sheep aren’t green because they purposely withstand and mock the new virtues of the 21^st century. The white color is not only a symbol of opposition; it also shows that currently there is peace between the green activists and the sheep community. Should that ever change, which is of course a possibility because there are new studies everyday on the effects of methane on our atmosphere, there would be a new sheep summit and sheep all over the world would change their coloring to red.